Free Your Mind and Find Fulfillment through Your Values
Khao Sok National Park, Thailand. Photographed by author.
The Journey to Fulfillment Starts with Values
A fulfilling life is not something stumbled upon by chance – it is crafted through deliberate alignment with our deepest values. The journey toward true satisfaction begins when we start shaping our lives with clear intention, based on our core values. By defining what matters most and aligning our choices with those truths, we find clarity in purpose, free our minds from inner conflict, and foster lasting fulfillment.
The importance of living in accordance with one’s true nature has been underscored by great thinkers throughout Western history, from Plato and Aristotle to Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau to Søren Kierkegaard, Martin Heidegger, and Jean-Paul Sartre. Today, we also have a wealth of research that echoes these insights, showing that living in alignment with our core values enhances well-being, brings deeper meaning, and cultivates fulfillment. People who are clear on their values naturally pursue their goals with greater effort and feel more complete fulfillment when those goals are achieved. They find it easier to make big life decisions and navigate challenging situations. They also have stronger, more meaningful connections with those around them.
Adopted Values vs. Personal Values
Like many, I spent much of my 20s piecing together my identity – mostly through trial and error (emphasis on error). Unsure of who I was or what I wanted, I had picked up the expectations of those around me and society at large. My values were adopted or inherited, and my actions were driven by fear of failure, judgment, or rejection more often than I’d like to admit.
Of particular influence was the value of money & financial wealth, inherited from my parents, who had to navigate the challenges of building a life in a new country without a network of support. It was reinforced in countless conversations that quietly equated money with success and happiness — and so I set my sights on a lucrative career and made choices in life that would secure one. Other values I picked up, like achievement and prestige, also shaped my decisions and defined my path.
While I am grateful for the financial stability some of these adopted values afforded me, in hindsight I see that I prioritized them over my own internal values and missed opportunities to explore natural passions and interests. Worse still, I let external values distort other aspects of my life, leading me to make choices that further muddled my sense of self, from how I spent my time and money to how I engaged with others. In the pursuit of external values and validation, I neglected my inner compass – the consequence of which was a cycle of inner turmoil and self-consciousness. Big decisions – from career to relationships and everything in between – were painstakingly difficult to navigate with my conflicted sense of self.
With time and experience, I learned that this inner conflict stemmed from living out of alignment with my core values. Only by defining these values and choosing to live them have I been able to free my mind from the cycles of regret, guilt, shame, and anxiety. Instead, a new sense of peace and clarity has taken hold, accompanied by a greater sense of purpose and a deeper feeling of fulfillment.
The Consequences of Ignoring Your Values
When we allow external values to take priority over our own, we set ourselves up for inner turmoil and dissatisfaction. A life that contradicts the true self breeds cognitive dissonance. It’s like driving with the handbrake on – you’re trying to move forward, but something holds you back, creating tension that weighs you down. This happens because of two reasons: not fully knowing your personal values, or failing to consistently act in alignment with them.
When you don’t fully know and understand your own values, you’re left sailing without a compass, wandering aimlessly, subject to the whims of the wind. External influences guide your path and your life ends up being shaped by family, friends, or society. This is particularly common in early life, when self-awareness – which includes understanding of personal values – is still developing. Even among adults, research has shown that although 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only 10-15% actually are. The self-awareness gap is even worse for successful people, who have been shown to be more likely to overestimate their abilities.
Even with a clear understanding of your values, your actions may not always align with them. Maybe you act impulsively, letting emotion cloud your judgment. Maybe the pressure of external expectations pushes your behavior into inauthentic territory. Maybe it’s fear, insecurity, or a tendency to prioritize short-term comfort over long-term fulfillment. Ingrained habits are difficult to break – they anchor our behavior in patterns that can contradict our deeper selves.
Regardless of the underlying reason, when you don’t have a set of clearly defined internal values serving as a compass, decision-making becomes difficult and inconsistent. It’s easier to fall into people-pleasing or make choices that don’t reflect the true self, which then leads to feelings of stress, anxiety, fear, regret, guilt, and confusion. Ultimately, you distance yourself from what truly matters, leaving you less fulfilled and content with your life.
Clarity and Fulfillment Through Values
Values are the key to overcoming these challenges and living authentically. They reflect what holds meaning for you, forming the foundation of your identity and guiding the way you move through the world. They vary greatly across individuals, evolving through life experiences – but no matter who you are, to live authentically means to align your actions with your core values, using them as a compass to navigate choices and craft a way of life.
I’ve experienced first hand both the struggle of inauthentic living and the transformation that comes from clarifying what genuinely matters to me. When I first started seriously reflecting on my own values, the gaps between my choices and aspirations came into sharp focus. Every time I felt a self-conscious emotion, paying close attention allowed me to learn more about my own inner values. Resolving conflicts between values unified my sense of self and empowered me to engage more deeply and openly with others. I became kinder, more compassionate, and more generous. My relationships improved and I became proud of the impact I had on my friends and community. I’ll never forget the moment a close friend told me she had grown a lot because of our friendship; growth is one of my core values and hearing this filled me with purpose. My dating life improved and so did my performance as a manager – feedback from my teams recognized me as an empathetic leader who empowered others. Each step I took toward living in closer alignment with my values left me feeling lighter, freer, and more energized.
Even as I found a new sense of fulfillment at work through mentorship, indecision about my choice of career lingered. On the surface, I was proud of the perceived prestige of working for companies like Google and Deloitte, and I felt that my career conveyed success and intelligence. The external validation mattered to me and my earning potential had intertwined with my identity. On a deeper level, I was seriously conflicted – as time passed, a lack of pride surrounding my career set in, but I wasn’t really sure what needed to change.
Re-examining my values made my eventual decision to leave my job much easier. I realized that my continued pursuit of financial wealth was really tied to a desire for freedom, which helped me shift my focus to financial independence and reduced consumption. Over the years, I had also come to realize that altruism and impact were core to my sense of purpose. My job had provided a path to financial independence, but at the cost of freedom and altruism, two of my core values. It became clear that there were other paths that could provide me with either more flexibility and time (freedom) or enable a more meaningful impact on the world (altruism) while still keeping me on the path of financial independence.
The impact of a deep understanding of your values extends beyond career choices – the clarity gained shapes all aspects of life. It influences whom we surround ourselves with, how we resolve conflicts, where we focus our time, how we manage our finances, and how we care for our own well-being. By clarifying what matters most, values provide focus and direction, eliminating the mental strain of cognitive dissonance and freeing up mental energy that would otherwise be spent on indecision or worrying about meeting external standards. There is a power in knowing your choices and actions align with your values. You become more confident in your choices and prouder of your actions. You feel a sense of peace as your decisions align with your core beliefs. You live an authentic life – one that is true to who you are at your core.
Using Values to Design a Fulfilling Life
Crafting a life that is both authentic and fulfilling life can be achieved with a straightforward (but not always easy) approach:
Explicitly define your core values
Align your choices
Align your actions and thinking
Defining Your Values
While you may have an intuitive sense of your core values, research shows that fully realizing the benefits of self-awareness requires examining them objectively. Beyond simply being aware of your values, you need to deeply understand them and consider how they genuinely connect to you. Writing them down is a helpful practice – here are my values as an example of what this could look like:
Growth
Pursuing continuous learning and self-improvement to cultivate wisdom and evolve as an individual, while also fostering the growth of others.
Health & Mindfulness
Prioritizing balance and harmony in mind, body, and spirit, while cultivating joy through the appreciation of beauty in everyday moments.
Freedom
Attaining independence in life, including financial freedom, as the foundation for self-actualization, empowering the pursuit of passions, authentic living, and shaping life according to one’s values and desires.
Altruism & Compassion
Practicing empathy and compassion by helping others and striving to improve the world for others.
Curiosity & Adventure
Embracing a sense of wonder and awe about the world, seeking new experiences that expand horizons and broaden perspectives, enriching life.
To identify your own values, you can start by reflecting on a broad list – select around twenty that resonate with you (or create your own). From there, gradually narrow it down by first picking out your top ten and then refining it further until you’re left with three to eight values. Some may overlap, and you may find they can be grouped together in meaningful ways. Setting aside time for introspection, journaling, or even meditation to cultivate objectivity can help you approach the process with clarity. Here are some prompts that might help:
Who do you admire and why?
When do you feel most content or fulfilled?
When have you felt guilt, regret, or shame? How might those feelings reveal a clash with your values?
What’s most important to you? Do these things reflect your true inner self, or have they been shaped by external influences?
Defining your values is like mining for gold – you start with a lot of raw material made up of ideas, influences, and beliefs that, once sifted through careful reflection, leaves you with the few golden nuggets that reflect who you truly are.
Aligning Your Choices
Once your values are clear, you can use them as a framework for making decisions and designing your life. Every choice you make has the potential to either align with or stray from your values. Assessing how available options align with your values will make it easier to navigate life’s big decisions.
Evaluate how you spend your time in a similar manner – does the way you spend time in a day, week, or month align with your values? For me, my value of curiosity & adventure requires some conscious effort, otherwise I fall into routines that don’t challenge or inspire me. For example, I know I need to be deliberate in exposing myself to novel experiences, making time for travel, or seeking out new hobbies.
One of the most common illusions we fall prey to is the belief that we’ll make a change or begin anew ‘when the time is right’ – once some future milestone is reached or a certain condition is met. I’ve been guilty of this myself, but here’s the truth: this mindset not only keeps change forever at arm’s length, but also misses the essence of living your values. True alignment is not found in surface-level adjustments or future aspirations; it requires a deeper shift that can only happen in the present. Living authentically is a choice you make moment by moment, not a destination you arrive at someday.
Aligning Your Actions and Thinking
To truly free your mind from inner turmoil, you need to live up to your values continuously. This is the most challenging step, but also the most rewarding. It requires retraining habits and thought patterns that may not serve your deeper self. Facing fears and letting go of others’ expectations is part of this journey – your values reflect your true priorities, not what someone else expects or wants you to do.
You can also seek help from a therapist or mentor, practice meditation, or try journaling. Regular reflection on your alignment with your values is essential, as it enables you to address gaps in thinking and behavior. One of my favorite tools is a set of four agreements that you can make with yourself – with your values clarified, following this simple yet incredibly profound code of conduct empowers you to take significant steps toward true freedom of mind.
Living your values in every moment is not easy, but with a clear set of values guiding you, your energy becomes focused, your decisions intentional, and ultimately, your life a reflection of your deepest aspirations.
Continuously Adapting to Shifting Values
Defining your values – and making corresponding changes in your life – is not a one-time event, but an ongoing process. As we grow, our priorities and values shift, and the path we once charted may need adjustment. Without regular reflection, it’s easy to drift away from the alignment we once cultivated. By setting aside time to periodically revisit and refine your values, you can ensure your life remains in harmony with your evolving self. With time, you’ll find the effort is worth it – you’ll feel lighter and your mind more free. You’ll be living a more fulfilling, authentic life.
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